Small steps forward in the UK and elsewhere, and a Lesser Mutterings recommended supplier

7 September 2024

There are small signs that the UK is beginning to move on from the depredations of recent years.

David Cameron, first of the five prime ministers under the last Conservative government, committed himself to “a bonfire of red tape”.  The principle was of course widely applauded as necessary to “boost the economy” but he tragically failed to tighten regulations that were inadequate or ambiguous, such as fire regulations that are designed to ensure the safety of buildings.

In 2013, following the death of six people in a fire in the cladding of Lakanal House, a London council block, the coroner recommended that fire safety regulations should be tightened up.

Eric Pickles, housing secretary at the time, was keener on cutting back regulations and is reported to have “ignored, delayed or disregarded” matters regarding fire safety and risk to life.  In his recent examination under oath, Pickles still claimed, in the face of hard evidence to the contrary given by his officers and contemporaneous documents, that cutting regulations did not include building regulations.

Then on 14 June 2017, four years later, 72 people (of whom 15 were disabled) were killed in the catastrophic fire at Grenfell Tower, another London council block.

The 1,700-page report of the official inquiry into the latter disaster, which was published last week, has made it clear that almost everyone colluded in concealing the risks and must bear the blame.

The report found that three firms, Arconic, Kingspan and Celotex, “engaged in deliberate and sustained strategies to … mislead the market”;  the architects, Studio E, did not act as a “reasonably competent architect” and “bears a very significant degree of responsibility for the disaster”;  the builders Rydon and Harley Facades, and the Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea’s building control department also share responsibility for the fire and the deaths it caused.

The inquiry also says the government was “well aware” of the risks posed by highly flammable cladding “but failed to act on what it knew” and, even worse, that some £250m more has been since been given to firms involved in the incompetent refurbishment of Grenfell Tower

The good news is that this report is likely to get so much publicity that firms are likely to be excluded from future government contracts and, with luck, key individuals will face corporate manslaughter charges.  The bad news is that this is likely to take years and they don’t sound like the sort of people who will die of shame..

More good news is that the new government has scrapped the one-word judgment on state schools after Ofsted ‘inspections’.  Why did it take so long after the suicide of head teacher Ruth Perry after her school was downgraded from ‘outstanding’ to ‘inadequate’ to get politicians to make the change to a system that was obviously fundamentally flawed.

The new government has also cancelled the VIP helicopter contract on which Rishi Sunak spent £40m so he could get from London to places like Southampton and Essex.  Not much quicker than the train but so, so much more comfortable my dear.  (Even E2R sometimes used a public train from Kings Cross to get to Kings Lynn on her way to Sandringham.)  The helicopter contract, which Sunak extended in December last year, expires this December and had already been put out to tender by the Conservatives.

Other good news is that, after a 2-month review, the Foreign Office believes there is a “clear risk” that exporting arms to Israel may allow them to commit serious breaches of international law, and the UK is to suspend some arms export licences to Israel. 

According to the Financial Times, our contribution only comprises 1% of Israel’s arms imports (or 0.02% according to GBNews, which has estimated that 98% of arms exports will still be allowed).  Still, we have to start somewhere and any reduction is to be welcomed.

Even better is the news that America is bringing criminal charges against at least six of Hamas’ top leaders for the 7 October attack on Israel which has since led to more than 40,000 deaths.  And no, I’m not one of those who believe that all Gazans are Hamas terrorists even though they elected a Hamas-led government.  Nor do I believe that Brits were all Conservative until very recently and are now all Labour even though they elected both the governments we’ve had this year.

This then made me wonder what would happen in America if Donald Trump was elected president before the various criminal charges he’s facing are resolved.  Can a president pardon himself before a case has been judged?  If they can, and Trump does, surely that’s an implicit admission of guilt.

Do presidents actually have the power to pardon themselves anyway?  Surely the writers of the Constitution couldn’t have intended that, after being elected in November, a president-elect could go on the rampage with a weapon and then pardon themselves after they take office in January.  Or didn’t it cross their minds that Americans might be stupid enough to elect somebody like Trump?

Labour is planning to remove the remaining 92 of the nepo babies from the House of Lords.  Whether that will significantly reduce the numbers actually attending and voting remains to be seen.

Although I conceal it well*, I’m a great believer in complaining about bad service in the hope it will encourage firms to improve their service for others so I think it’s only fair to acknowledge good service when I come across it. 

I recently decided to replace a couple of worn-out shirts with one offered by Savile Row Company and discounted to my price limit, but the discount code didn’t work so I emailed them asking why.  (Have you noticed how few companies now publicise their email addresses, presumably because they provide lousy services and then get fed up with people emailing them to complain?)

Anyway, they answered by return saying that code had expired but they had another which gave a better discount and the shirt arrived 2 days later, even more cheaplier than I’d expected.  Well done Savile Row Company!

*          Comparatively well?

Apology, Sidmouth, voting, royal money, Labour and Tory saboteurs, cromulence and a cobra

8 April 2023

A friend who isn’t a crossword fan failed to spot the significance of the date on last week’s mutterings and didn’t realise that they weren’t all entirely accurate.  My apologies to all those who didn’t get the clue in the first paragraph that was supposed to lead to ‘a cross tick’ (“an angry parasite”, geddit?), or ‘acrostic’, thereby inviting people to read the first letter of every paragraph in order.  It wasn’t meant to make people feel stupid, it was just intended as a bit of fun, so this week’s is deadly serious. 

Sidmouth is a pretty town with crumbling cliffs on the coast of East Devon which has hosted an annual folk festival for longer than some of us care to remember and is a good resting place on the South West coastal path, attracting thousands of visitors every year so the town’s last bank, Lloyds, will be closing in September (HSBC and Coop have already closed their branches).  Do you think their call centres have a recording saying “Thank you for holding.  Your call is important to us.  But not so important that we’re going to hire extra staff to reduce your waiting time.”?

Everybody wanting to vote in person next month must now have photo ID even though there were no prosecutions for voter impersonation last year.  According to the Electoral Commission, there were just seven allegations of ‘personation’ at local and mayoral elections and the six by-elections throughout the UK in 2022 and no police action was taken in any of these cases either because there was insufficient evidence of wrongdoing, or none at all.

Downing Street’s defence of this utterly pointless exercise said it was “to guard against the potential for wrongdoing”.  If you listen carefully, you can hear Rome burning.

The Guardian has disappointed me this week with what appears to be a republican campaign, estimating how much the royal family gets and what it owns.  They have to estimate the numbers because, even though we pay them, the family refuses to disclose their income and assets (“it’s private” they say). 

As far as we know, they’re not even the richest family in the UK and we give money to all the others as well for the stuff they sell us (like pageantry and vacuum cleaners), or they stole it from us in the past.  Since it now seems polite to apologise for our great6 grandparents’ part in the horrors of slavery, doesn’t it sound reasonable that we should ask various dukes and other nobles who inherited stuff to give back the land that was stolen from people like us by their great12 grandparents?

However, the Windsors do have one big advantage in that they are exempt from tax, even though some of them voluntarily pay what they think they should.  Wouldn’t it be better if they were subject to all the same laws and taxes as the rest of us, including capital gains and inheritance taxes?  They could always give Cornwall to the National Trust if they haven’t enough spare cash to pay what should have been paid on the Queen’s estate.

I’m not anti-monarchy but I do worry that the Guardian’s coverage looks more like a republican campaign than a simple desire to expose the inequities of rich people.

And now the government is giving £8m to allow every public authority a free portrait of King Charles.  You can tell the ministers who decided this by their brown noses.

Luckily for them, Labour has attempted political suicide by using ‘knocking copy’ which accuses the Tories in general and Rishi Sunak in particular of not imprisoning paedophiles.  This has been welcomed by the Tories and condemned by clear-thinking lefties. 

But the Conservatives have their own saboteur in the form of Suella Braverman.  She claimed “almost all” members of grooming gangs were British Pakistani men even though a 2020 Home Office report concluded that most child sexual abuse gangs comprise white men aged under 30 and there wasn’t enough evidence to suggest members of grooming gangs were disproportionately more likely to be Asian or black.

When challenged over the 18-hour delays at Dover, she also denied it was anything to do with Brexit even though Doug Bannister, the port’s chief executive, admitted a year ago that Brexit was causing longer processing times at the border.

This week has also seen reports of falling house prices.  Why do people worry about this?  If the values of houses go down across the board and we decide to move, we’d get less when selling and pay less for our new house.  People with second homes and Buy To Let landlords would lose out but who cares about them?

Suppose all property prices reduced by 90% and became worth only 10% of what they were last week.  It wouldn’t make any difference to those of us who already own our houses and would make it much easier for first-time buyers.  My first house cost about 2½ times my salary;  the same house would now cost about 25 times what I would now get doing the same job I did back then.

Mortgages could then also be reduced by 90% so it stopped people with mortgages going into negative equity.  The cost to lenders would be funded by cancelling management bonuses and taxing the Windsors …

I had a slight attack of schadenfreude when Donald Trump announced that he was going to be “indicated” [sic] and he duly was, looking rather grumpier than usual. 

Sounds cromulent to me (a new word created for The Simpsons in 1996 meaning legitimate or acceptable, which I heard for the first time this week).

And, in South Africa, a private plane flying four passengers at 11,000’ made an emergency landing at the nearest airport after a 5-foot cobra slid past the pilot’s thigh and curled up under his seat.  Everybody left the plane safely, the snake slept on, and the pilot was rewarded with a handful of Valium tablets. 

Another anointment, broken records, an underdressed climber and winning insults

23 October 2022

What a wonderful week for cynics – if you didn’t finish reading any day’s paper, you could put it out for recycling and go straight on to the next day’s paper because so much had changed again overnight.

What we tend to forget is that all MPs work for us as public servants and we pay their salaries and fiddled expenses.  They have no right to our respect, they need to earn it by doing what’s best for the country.  Which is not what they’re doing at the moment and why, when my wife called out “She’s gone!”, our cleaner punched the air and said “Yeah!”

By resigning, Truss can now claim two records by becoming Britain’s shortest-serving prime minister ever and by reducing support for the Conservatives to the lowest level ever seen in the polls.  At least she had confirmed to parliament on the previous day that the triple lock on pensions would remain, although she failed to confirm disability benefits would also rise in line with inflation;  which just goes to show the priorities of a government that relies on the geriatric (sorry ‘grey’) vote and couldn’t care less about people with disabilities.

Until she resigned, the shortest-serving prime minister was George Canning whose sole term lasted 119 days in 1827 but he at least had the excuse that he died of TB.  (The BBC website originally reported that “Canning had served for 119 days after dying in 1827” but, sadly, somebody spotted the error and corrected it.)

With their recent repeated failures in choosing competent leaders, even the Tories must now be beginning to wonder if there’s a better way to choose them.  It’s a pity their rules don’t have an emergency clause to cover the loss of a leader within (say) three months.  This would cover the sudden death of a newly-elected leader and could allow the person who came second to take over as prime minister.  It would also help avoid yet another undignified scramble for power.

Actually, a general election would be the fairest way of finding one that a majority of the electorate actually wants but the Conservatives daren’t do this because they’ve made themselves so unpopular that they might disappear up their own ballot boxes.  What they are doing this time, with their usual blithe disregard for everybody, including party members, is abbreviating the process to leave only three possibles, each of whom will know only that almost 75% of their MPs didn’t want them and voted for somebody else. 

With their backs to the wall and all polls showing the Conservatives would be obliterated at a general election, this would seem the ideal time to change the electoral system from ‘first past the post’ to proportional representation.  A PR voting system would almost certainly give Conservatives more seats than the polls are suggesting they’d get at the moment and it would ensure fair representation of Tory (and other) voters for the foreseeable future.

However, they’re now so desperate that there’s even talk, apparently serious, of resurrecting the compulsively deceitful Boris Mimi MiToo Johnson, the man who fractured the Conservative party, dithered throughout his term, made stupid decisions, abandoned some 50,000 people in Afghanistan, was ultimately fired for having been caught breaking the law and whose conduct is still subject to another investigation.  So he’s scuttled back from a beach in the Dominican Republic with indecent haste to round up the loonies.

May it please all the gods anyone can think of, don’t let them be so stupid as to let Boris loose again.  

The health secretary Thérèse Coffey has admitted (as she puffed on a fat cigar) giving leftover antibiotics to a friend and has been accused by one doctor of “monumental stupidity”.  Even I remember that we’re told to complete the course so how come she had any spare?

The only saving grace they managed to find this week was when Jeremy Hunt, the latest Chancellor of the Exchequer, was asked a reasonable question in parliament and just said “I don’t know but I’ll find out” before sitting down again.  What a brilliantly honest response, something even his greatest critics can surely accept as a point in his favour.  He’s not standing for PM but wouldn’t be nice if whoever gets the job feels able to show the same honesty?

Other news included Ghislaine Maxwell saying of Prince Andrew “I accept that this friendship could not survive my conviction. He is paying such a price for the association. I consider him a dear friend. I care about him.”  With friends like her, who needs enemies?

She then went on to complain about the service offered by her prison …

In South Korea, the Iranian climber Elnaz Rekabi shinned up a wall without wearing the headscarf ‘required’ by Iran’s male theocracy (who are so insecure they think they’d lose ‘their’ women if other people could see how beautiful they are).  She said her not wearing a hijab was “unintentional” but, on her return to Tehran, she was hailed as a hero by people demonstrating against the arrest of Mahsa Amini for being improperly dressed and her subsequent death in custody.  Rekabi’s friends and supporters now fear for her safety and her brother has been summoned to an intelligence agency office. 

British protestors from the climate action group Just Stop Oil blocked a motorway and were attacked by Suella Braverman, who was still home secretary at the time, who said “I’m afraid it’s the Labour party, it’s the Lib Dems, it’s the coalition of chaos, it’s the Guardian-reading, tofu-eating, wokerati* – dare I say the anti-growth coalition that we have to thank for the disruption we are seeing on our roads today.”  The patronising berk then had to resign after she admitted sending classified material from her personal email account.

Truss had invented and condemned an “anti-growth coalition” that she thinks lives in North London and takes taxis and Boris Johnson dissed the “Islington remainers”* in an attempt (which seems to resonate with many on the right) to blame Brexit remainers for failing to accept the vote and causing the covid pandemic and the economic chaos that helped him onto the slippery slope to dismissal.  All the remainers we know regret the stupidity of Brexit but accept we have to live with it and try to find ways of minimising the economic and political problems it’s caused.

How sad that senior Tories have to stoop to pointless soundbites in their attempt to regain popularity.

A letter in the next day’s Guardian asked if King Charles III might have more prime ministers than his mother.

Now, to take our minds off the Westminster shitstorm, here’s a thought for you:  I (and probably you) have more than the average number of legs for a human.

*          In the interests of full disclosure, I must say I have never voted Conservative, I read the Guardian, I like tofu, I once lived part-time in Islington and I voted remain.

Funeral feathers, medals, nuclear war, UK money, Trump admits theft

25 September 2022

The Queen’s funeral on Monday was attended by some 500 heads of state – foreign presidents, kings, queens and prime ministers – whose security was provided by 10,000 police who, as a mark of respect, stopped catching criminals for the day.

I didn’t watch it but my wife did so I saw odd bits as I passed and was riveted by one soldier’s problem with a swan feather dangling from his hat and tickling his face.  Knowing he couldn’t move, he twitched his head very slightly in an attempt to shift it but finally gave up and blew so some feathers wafted gently up into the air before settling down again.

Just as normal people don’t, I found myself thinking that if Putin exploded a nuclear device on the funeral, he’d also destroy the Palace of Westminster, New Scotland Yard and much of Whitehall.  He’d then be able to invade the UK in a rubber dinghy but he’d have to remember to get a London Bridge train because Victoria station would probably have been damaged by the blast.

At the time, I was puzzled to see the youngest royal grandchild, who is 14, wearing two medals.  How can a 14-year old have done anything that earns a medal?  My wife suggested he might have been in the Scouts and got one for rubbing two sticks together;  I thought he might have got the other for swimming a complete length of the school pool. 

After imagining Putin nuking London, I tried to think what it must be like to be a civilian in, say, eastern Ukraine, when it’s suddenly taken over by a foreign power.  One such was a teacher who was told to teach Moscow’s censored curriculum and had to choose whether to go along with it or to leave, abandoning her pupils’ futures to the mercy of the Russian occupiers.  She chose to leave and left carrying a pot plant and a bag of poems after 25 years’ service. 

I wonder what I’d have done.  My life isn’t terribly important to me (though I’d like to do a lot of sorting before I die) but I like to think I’d stick to my principles and explain both sides of the question to the children, even if I then got ‘disappeared’. 

Meanwhile, our new prime minister’s attempting to change everything, only some of which needs changing, but Liz Truss is sticking with her belief in the ‘trickle-down’ theory regardless.

This theory was postulated in the 1980s by one of Ronald Reagan’s advisers, Arthur Laffer, and suggests that reducing taxes on corporations and people who are already rich will encourage more investment and everyone will benefit as the economy grows.  So rich Brits trousering £1m a year will now be an estimated £55,000 a year* better off and will immediately reinvest this in their businesses to create more jobs for poorer people and the economy as a whole will grow and we’ll all benefit and we’ll have fairies at the bottom of our garden.

The theory has since been comprehensively rubbished by various experts, including the International Monetary Fund in a 2015 assessment which concluded that increasing the income of the top 20% results in lower growth and “when the richer get richer, benefits do not trickle down” so countries’ policies “should focus on raising the income of the poor, and ensuring there is no hollowing out of the middle class”.

Laffer himself has since accepted that it only works when tax rates are high, which he described as over 50%, and that lowering tax rates when they’re already below 50% actually increases budget deficits. 

Even Joe Biden has said he’s “sick and tired” of people who believe that ‘trickle-down’ economics works, which doesn’t bode well for a UK free trade agreement with America (even Liz Truss herself has already admitted this’ll take years to agree). 

What happened to “levelling up” anyway?  It’s obviously oxymoronic and means “evening-out”, which is the only way to balance the distribution of wealth, but this doesn’t have the same vote-catching ring to it.  Besides, it would definitely upset those getting paid most who, quite coincidentally, tend to be those who vote for and give lots of money to the Conservative party because they believe in making the rich richer and only tossing pennies at the poor.  Er …

There’s something unusual about the way Truss moves (and speaks).  A photograph of her shaking hands with Emmanuel Macron caught my eye because she was turned about 45o away from him.  Normal people face each other when shaking hands. 

But hey, let’s give them a chance:  Truss used to be an accountant and, in the first leadership ballot, 264 of 314 of her own MPs didn’t want her as prime minister.  Her business and energy secretary doesn’t understand geology and her chancellor hasn’t heard of the Micawber Principle.  In her campaign, she promised that fracking would only happen with local approval but it now seems that local decisions will be over-ruled by governmental diktat.  She also promised more financial help for adult social care (we’re waiting with unbated breath). 

Friday saw a not-budget (experts only check the numbers in real budgets) in which Kwasi Kwarteng supported the wealthy by cutting taxes and removing the cap on bankers’ bonuses, and borrowing an extra £400bn at ever-increasing interest rates to fund this rather than imposing a windfall tax on windfall profits.  Even the staunchest Conservatives described it as a high-risk budget and markets reacted by marking sterling down to its lowest level against the US dollar in 37 years so a pound now only costs just over a dollar.  This makes sterling very cheap for money launderers who will rush to secure London’s reputation as the premier European centre for money laundering.

Our wildlife and countryside have also been threatened with new, feebler planning rules and, if there was any mention of more money for education and the NHS, I missed it.

While we’re running out of money, Vladimir Putin is running out of soldiers and thousands of Russians are fleeing the country before their call-up papers arrive.  He’s also threatened a nuclear attack but Truss has already said she’d be prepared to respond in kind so that’s alright.

Donald Trump has tested a new defence against some of the accusations making it increasingly likely he won’t be able to stand for president in 2024.  In an interview with Fox News, he defended the recovery of classified papers from his Florida home by saying “as I understand it, if you’re the president of the United States, you can declassify just by saying it’s declassified, even by thinking about it.”  Explains a lot about him and, in passing, admits he stole classified papers.

The other loonies on the right, the Proud Boys, now have a 23-page manifesto with a section telling people how to carry out violent attacks and then cover their tracks.  I still think their name makes them sound like a fun LGBT+ group, but perhaps that’s their intention (aw, look at the great butch sweeties).

Not to be outdone, the loonies on the left had a hit this week when they claimed that some of the classified papers Trump stole from the White House were buried with his ex-wife on his New Jersey golf course.

Is the world getting weirder or is it just my imagination?

*          The UK’s median income from full-time work is £26,000 pa, less than half the extra people already being given £1,000,000 pa will get.

New president in waiting, Ukraine advances and Ig Nobel prizes

18 September 2022

We have a new prime minister who’s found herself leading a government neck deep in the muddy, with problems stretching from the cost of living crisis, energy costs, inflation, a looming recession, The Northern Ireland Brexit problem, strikes and the imminent collapse of the NHS to the climate crisis.

Sadly, she’s stuffed her new cabinet with her mates rather than the best people and is cancelling everything she can find, but at least Priti Patel’s gone before she can do any more damage to the UK’s reputation.

And she’s dumped Dominic Raab’s plans to restrict our human rights with a Bill that would have given the British government power to ignore rulings from the European Court of Human Rights.  (Raab had also been asked to include the right to abortion in the Bill but he said this was already “settled in UK law”, which isn’t actually true, but he’s gone as well.)

Other stuff she’s overturned so far is the ban on fracking until research into its vulnerability to earthquakes has been concluded – another 2019 manifesto pledge broken – and the cap on bankers’ bonuses.  She’s also promised an energy price freeze and cuts to tax and national insurance and refused to impose a windfall tax on energy companies. 

The Resolution Foundation estimate these “colossal” cuts will cost about £120bn but Liz Truss (aka The Faerie Feller) is planning a mini-budget this week which will explain where the money’s coming from. 

Her Master-Stroke was, on her first day in office, to alienate the entire civil service by firing Sir Tom Scholar, the highly experienced permanent secretary to the Treasury who, according to an inside source, was “viewed as one his generation’s outstanding civil servants [who] would loyally serve any new administration”.

Truss said the Treasury required “new leadership” to go with the new premiership and wanted to show how tough she is.  This will also encourage the waverers who were uncertain about her political history and thought she’s still a LibDem at heart but stood a better chance of becoming powerful as a Tory.  Her repeated U-turns also show her willingness to be competitive and beat Johnson’s record.

Some doubters believe that civil servants simply implement governmental decisions without any political fear or favour but Truss is clearly making a bold move towards politicising the civil service and pacifying the far right.  Their views were encapsulated by Lord (Robin) Butler, who served under Margaret Thatcher, John Major and Tony Blair.  He said “I think the politicians are beginning to forget the constitution. The civil service is Her [/His] Majesty’s civil service. A government wouldn’t come in and on the first day sack the head of Her Majesty’s defence forces.”

Truss also has the advantage of inheriting the Police, Crime, Sentencing and Courts Act 2022 which increases the powers of the police over things like peaceful demonstrations.  They’re certainly practising this in Edinburgh where a man in the crowds watching the royal procession was questioned for holding up a blank sheet of paper.  When he asked “What if I write ‘Not My King’ on it”, he was told he’d be arrested.

Great stuff PC Whoever, just what we need:  a strong police force supporting a strong civil service in thrall to a stupid strong leader.  Just a touch more gerrymandering might do the trick and we’ll have Tory governments forever.

Still, we must remember that Richard Dadd ended up in Broadmoor.

By the way, had you spotted that the same Police Act increases the maximum prison terms from 10 to 14 years for serious sexual assaults and to 10 years for assaulting a statue.  You only get four extra years inside for rape compared with throwing a tomato at a statue. 

A couple of weeks ago, Vladimir Putin reminded the world what brilliant a leader he is and said “We have not lost anything and will not lose anything”.  Followed by which Ukraine took the Russians entirely by surprise and have taken some 6,000 square kilometres of the Kharkiv region back under Ukrainian control.

Less cheering has been the discovery of graves marked just with a number outside Izium from which more than 440 bodies are being exhumed.  Close to these graves is an unmarked mass grave containing 17 Ukrainian soldiers.

In Iowa, a human trafficking victim, Pieper Lewis, killed the man who’d repeatedly raped her when she was 15 and being pimped for sex.  She pleaded guilty to manslaughter and wilful injury, each of which earned her a 10-year prison sentence.  A sympathetic district judge decided to defer the sentences on the grounds that the 834 days she had already spent in juvenile detention was enough “punishment” for a teenager and let her off with a 5-year probationary period.  

However, the judge also ordered her to pay $4,000 of state costs and the $150,000 restitution to the estate of the rapist that a state law demands of killers. 

The good news is that one of the woman’s former teachers, Leland Schipper, was so shocked she said “A child who was raped, under no circumstances, should owe the rapist’s family money” and set up a GoFundMe appeal that, as I write, has raised more than $540,000.  Schipper has said that the surplus will “remove financial barriers for Pieper in pursuing college/university or starting her own business [and] give Pieper the financial capacity to explore ways to help other young victims of sex crimes”.

Anybody else think Iowa needs to change the legislation to allow for exceptional cases?

And more good news from this year’s Ig Nobel awards, one of which was given to Prof Gen Matsuzaki who headed a Japanese team that researched the best way to turn a knob and concluded that the bigger the knob, the more fingers you need to turn it.  Other recipients studied how constipation affects the mating prospects of scorpions (cue old joke:  How do hedgehogs make love?  Very, very carefully.) and why success is due more to luck than to talent.  The last is blindingly obvious from a quick glance at the people who run our governments and companies but they proved it using mathematics (no, me neither).

For example, Southern Water’s Beachbuoy map showing which beaches they’ve polluted will no longer automatically include all raw sewage releases into bathing waters, thereby improving their record in one fell swoop.

And tomorrow the Queen’s funeral service will be attended by all foreign leaders who were invited and are willing to be bussed into London.  Except Joe Biden who’ll make his own arrangements thank you.  I’d love to be a fly inside the bus as foreign monarchs and presidents experience how the rest of us travel. 

Monarchies and republics

11 September 2022

The Queen died on Thursday. 

From the palace’s announcement at lunchtime that her doctors were concerned, it was obvious that her death was imminent but it was still a shock to hear the word when somebody reminded us that Prince William is now heir to the throne because his father is king.  We’ve known the queen for so long that the word ‘king’ gave me a jolt.

Charles had obviously had advance warning because he was in Scotland and able to get to Balmoral quickly so he was with her as she died which is, somehow, rather comforting.

Rumours that she only hung on for as long as she did to receive Boris Johnson’s resignation are likely to be the product of a warped mind.

She certainly hung on for the Platinum Jubilee celebrations so as not to spoil the event for everybody else, and to confirm Liz Truss as the new prime minister;  48 hours before she died, she got up and dressed and stood to welcome Truss with her usual beaming smile, despite what one doctor thought was a bruise left by a canula on the back of her hand.

The initial tributes were predictably sombre with Truss and Keir Starmer appearing to have agreed that the former would cover the boring platitudes while the latter gave a much more human and impressive eulogy.  It was then open house for other MPs to pay their own tributes.  Boris Johnson spoke very well, showing that he can actually talk without erring and umming when he’s done his homework, and Theresa May amazed everybody by making the chamber laugh with a personal anecdote of an encounter with the Queen. 

Other tributes poured in from around the world, including a touching message from Vladimir Putin in a letter whose contents were released by the Kremlin.

My mother used to say the Queen had one of those faces that made her look severe when she was actually just relaxed but she had the most wonderful smile (and laugh) and, had she not been a monarch who took her job very seriously, she’d just have been described as a nice person, which is surely the highest praise anyone can give.

A number of people writing about the Queen’s sense of fun have mentioned the American tourists taking a selfie of themselves with her protection officer, her having tea with Paddington Bear and being parachuted into the Olympic games (it was apparently her idea to greet Daniel Craig as “Mr Bond”).  My favourite story about her came from someone I knew when I worked for one of her son’s charities.  As he’d walked into the room to see the Queen, he tripped over a corgi and was mortified but the Queen said “Don’t worry, it’s his own fault for being the same colour as the carpet”.  What a graceful way of putting someone at ease.

I’ve never had any strong views about the different arguments for monarchies or republics.  I was an admirer of the Queen but the times they are a-changin’.  In the last few days, we’ve been shown ceremonies that have never been publicly seen before.  The pomp of the public parades was certainly impressive but they are for show.  Any power the monarch has is exercised behind closed doors and tends to influence the beginning or the end of parliamentary decisions, but they do have some real power.

One assumes that a British republic would impose similar limitations on the powers of the president so the basic choice could perhaps be reduced to a simple question about whether one has greater faith in nepotism or elections.

In companies, nepotism has proved almost without exception a singularly inefficient way of choosing the next boss but this may be because there is competition and you know my belief that anybody who actually wants to be in a position of power is, by definition, unfit for purpose.

Now we’ve given up regicide and importing foreigners, there’s a fixed hierarchy within the royal family which determines who’s going to be the next monarch so there’s no competition, or choice.  For example, if 58,496,132 Brits all suddenly die, I’ll be king. 

This makes the system dependant on who gets born when but they’re brought up for it from when they first grimace and cover their ears as a bunch of planes thunder overhead so they know what’s expected of them, and that stability is essential.

Presidents are elected for fixed terms more or less democratically and they are part of a political process so their actions and popularity depend on the mood of the moment which is often (always?) influenced by or linked to events outside the country concerned over which neither the presidents nor their governments have any control. 

Even presidents who elect themselves for a life-term in the job rarely die in post and there can be political – and all too often violent – disturbances when they step down or are removed.  A president should have the internal and international respect – and the humility – of somebody like Nelson Mandela or the Dalai Lama, but there aren’t enough of those to go round.

The advantage of British hereditary monarchs is that they are above politics and can provide an impartial sounding board for the leader of whichever party was disliked least in a general election.

The other problem with presidents is how to choose them.  We live with a broken electoral system that allows small minorities of voters to form governments and even smaller minorities to be completely unrepresented in parliament.

As I write this, I realise I’m talking myself towards being a monarchist, but only faute de mieux.  We’ve been lucky enough to have had an incomparable monarch in E2R.  Let’s hope C3R does as well.

So why don’t we make all royals subject to the same laws and taxes as the rest of us, let them stay in power and see how it goes.

Making jam, a new PM, greedy pigs, Gorbachev, Finnish woman and Bob Dylan

4 September 2022

I’ve just made jam for the first time in my life.  Twice.  First with our figs and once with the damsons. 

Regular readers will know that cooking isn’t even in the top 100 things I can do even passably well so I thought I’d tell you what I learnt:  do not follow the recipe.  I googled recipes and chose the ones with the fewest ingredients (I wasn’t convinced fig jam needed chilli or garlic).  The first said I should simmer the mixture gently until all the sugar has dissolved but failed to say that burnt sugar will coat the bottom of the saucepan while it’s simmering. 

The second said, when the sugar’s dissolved, boil fast until the right temperature is reached in 10-15 minutes and DO NOT stir the mixture until the setting temperature is reached, but failed to say that burnt sugar will coat the bottom of the saucepan while it’s boiling.

We now have 4 jars each of caramelised fig and caramelised damson jams and both are edible, though the latter is most easily eaten with a knife and fork.

I’m going to have one more go when I’ve got the saucepan clean, or bought a new pan, and if that doesn’t work, soddit, I’m going to stew all fruit in future, I can manage that.

Tomorrow, we’ll know who’s going to be our new prime minister.  Last Wednesday’s efforts to gather votes by the last two people standing was widely reported to be underwhelming and even the ever-faithful Daily Telegraph could only headline “Truss hints she may axe motorway speed limits” – talk about damning with faint praise.  I know who I don’t want to get the job, and I know who I definitely don’t want to get the job.

As she has campaigned, Truss’s ratings have fallen dramatically according to a new poll by Opinium.  At the beginning of August, 49% of people who voted Conservative in 2019 saw her as a potential prime minister but she’d talked herself down to 31% by the end of the month.  Still, all is over now bar the rending of clothes and the new PM will be hustled onto a train to Balmoral tomorrow (well, I’m sure they wouldn’t add to the climate’s problems by flying would they?)

This Truss is, of course, the Truss who (according to the National Audit Office) slashed £235m from the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs budget in 2015 while she was environment secretary, including a £24m cut in the grant for environmental protection.  In the following 5 years, spills of raw sewage doubled and it’s been discovered this year that one in four sewage overflow pipes at popular seaside resorts are either unmonitored or the monitors are faulty.

English water companies also replace mains pipes at a record rate, compared with the European average of 0.5% a year.  England’s best performers replace 0.2% and the worst 0.03% of their pipes each year with an average of 0.05% or, put another way, it’ll take these companies 2,000 years to replace all their pipework while even modern PVC pipes are only expected to last between 50 and 100 years.   But the shareholders still get their dividends and the bosses still extract huge amounts of money, which means it must now be time, for the sake of future generations, to renationalise the bastards.

According to their published accounts, the 100 largest UK companies’ CEOs were given median average of £3.4m each in 2021, an increase of 36% over the previous year, and trousered 109 times the pay of the average British worker.  Top executives took a total of £720m out these companies.  And they’re complaining that the workers (who get a median average of about £31,000) are striking for more money than they can afford to pay.

The energy sector, which is pocketing vast windfall profits has added insult to injury by suggesting the government should lend them money to stop further price increases and customers would then repay the loan through a levy on their future bills.

Can anybody spot the flaws in this proposal?  Like what happens to the loans to companies that go bust anyway?  And why should customers (that’s you and me) repay money that’s been lent by the government to energy firms to give to shareholders and top management?  It’s like Parent 1 lending money to Parent 2 and expecting the child to repay them.  I despair of the wiles of greedy pigs.  The hell with international complications, renationalise the bastards.

It’s high time there was a legal limit to the multiple of the average worker’s pay that bosses could award themselves.  I’ve heard that the Green party suggests 10 times, which seems a good place to start.

Back on the leadership front, the one thing that seems to have come out of it is that no country that calls itself democratic should ever appoint a prime minister without asking all voters.  Particularly since it seems Boris Johnson believes Tories will call him back to mend the party he broke.  He does, of course, have at least twenty years of form in spurious beliefs:  in a 2002 article in the Spectator, he wrote that the African continent “may be a blot, but it is not a blot upon our conscience … The problem is not that we were once in charge, but that we are not in charge any more”. 

Well, I mean, why should slavery, genocide and arrogance be a blot on our conscience?

I’ve always suspected that Vladimir Putin was motivated by fear as much as by arrogance and, as his failures mount up, he’ll be feeling increasingly defensive and the west would do well to leave him some sort of escape route to avoid cornering a rat.

Mikhail Gorbachev, one of his more illustrious predecessors, died last week and an impressive array of world leaders paid tribute to his achievements.   For all it gained, he seems to have seen the dissolution of the Soviet Union as a disappointment;  he’d have preferred to keep it together while still ending the cold war and allowing east / west barriers to fall with all the benefits to both sides that followed but he refused to intervene militarily and, shortly before his death, he urged Putin to “an early cessation of hostilities and immediate start of peace negotiations” over Ukraine.

As a leader, Gorbachev has been described as “decent”, “charming and modernising”, and – that lovely Yiddish word – “mensch”.  His friend Alexei Venediktov, former head of a radio station whose reports on the war in Ukraine led to its being shut down, said “We have all become orphans. But not everyone has understood it yet.”

Within Russia, the mourning is more muted;  many Russians never forgave him for having upset decades of what they saw as stability but the more liberal Russians still grieve for the freedom he had allowed, both internationally and by allowing people to express uncensored opinions within the country.  Under Putin, the state has returned to an oppressive autocracy that’s been compared to Stalinism.

Putin has decreed that Gorbachev will not be given a state funeral but it would have “elements of a state funeral”.  Putin himself took some flowers and invited some photographers to picture him by Gorbachev’s open coffin but he’s too busy to go to the funeral itself.  (Can you imagine the Queen, health permitting, being “too busy” to go to such an important funeral in Britain?)

Meanwhile, the Geological Survey of Denmark and Greenland have published their analysis of satellite measurements in the journal Nature Climate Change which indicate that the melting of Greenland’s ice cap is now inevitable.  The estimated 110tn tonnes of ice will raise sea levels by 27cm and, if the Paris agreement isn’t implemented, they will rise by 78cm by the end of the century.

What the report didn’t mention is how much Greenland itself will rise once the weight of the ice has gone and how the earth’s tectonic plates will react to the reduced load they bear, particularly under Antarctica which is so much larger than Greenland.

Two other reports this week that disappointed me were:

  • two Air France pilots had a mid-air punch-up in the cockpit of a Geneva-Paris flight in June and had to be chaperoned by a member of the crew for the rest of the flight;
  • the media published pictures of the Finnish prime minister, Sanna Marin, dancing with friends at a private party in her spare time and she then felt obliged to take a voluntary test (which was negative) to prove she hadn’t been taking drugs;  hundreds of other Finnish women have used social media to post films of themselves dancing in support of Marin’s right to a personal life.  I wonder if there’d have been the same reaction if she’d been a man?  I can think of one prime minister who spent his spare time having affairs and babies and nobody turned a hair.

But the good news is an 81-year-old crooner with a broken voice has added three more dates in the UK to his Rough and Rowdy Ways Worldwide Tour and will now play 12 gigs in October and November.  I’ve always felt Bob Dylan’s studio recordings were much better than his live performances but, while I’ve been to a few awful Dylan concerts, I’ve also been to some inspired ones.  And he’s still writing some good songs.     

70 years of H Gracious M – what next?

5 June 2022

Thursday saw this year’s greatest fancy dress parade (with the possible exception of North Korean marchpasts) as hundreds of soldiers rode on horseback past their “colour” so the survivors would recognise what flag to gather under after the battle was over.  It took hours.  By the end of it, an enemy would have had the lot of them.  Perhaps it goes back to Plantagenet days when the king was the one with a bunch of greenery (plant à genet) stuck in his cap.

I found myself wondering why some of them carried modern guns with a bayonet on the end.   If you’re selecting historical weapons, surely bows and arrows would have been more decorative, and much more effective if you’re more than a bayonet’s length from the person you’re trying to kill.

But the rain held off and the whole event was brightly coloured – ceremonial pomp is probably one of the few things that Britain still does well.  A lot of people turned out to wave flags and watch as much of it as they could see while millions more watched it on television.  To cap it all, the queen appeared on the balcony at Buckingham Palace to watch the fly-past and appeared to enjoy the spectacle, inspiring thoughts like “she’s a game old girl” and “not bad for 96”.

The fly-past itself was the only bit I actually watched and I’m sure the queen turned to Charles and said “That’s lovely” as the Lancaster (or was it a Wellington) flew over.  I thought it was a pity that none of the 1950s V-bombers (from memory, the Valiant, the Victor and the Vulcan) were fit enough to join the flypast but I have to admit I enjoyed the planes that flew in the 70 formation.  I also wondered idly what would happen if one of them crashed into the palace courtyard before exploding just under the balcony. 

Justin Welby, the Canterbury Archbish, had tested positive for covid and couldn’t lead the service in St Pauls and I’ve been cheered by how many other people have commented on Prince Andrew’s own fortuitous and entirely coincidental positive covid test that prevented him from appearing anywhere and saved everyone a lot of embarrassment – unless a plane had crashed in the courtyard and exploded.  King Andrew?  Doesn’t bear thinking about.

The respect in which he’s held can be judged from a song called ‘Prince Andrew is a Nonce’ by a group called the Kunts that hurtled up the charts last week.  Its words include “The grand old Duke of York, he said he didn’t sweat / So why’d he pay 12 million quid to a girl he’d never met?”

When Harry and Meghan appeared, they got more cheers than jeers, unlike Boris and Carrie Johnson who managed to inspire the exact opposite. 

Welby had earlier made a plea for society to be more “open and forgiving” which is a commendable sentiment except possibly when applied to Prince Andrew who is, he said, “seeking to make amends”.  I know from very painful personal experience that it’s only possible to forgive someone if they have admitted and accepted responsibility for their mistakes and apologised, and there isn’t much sign of that so far from Andrew (or even, after several decades, in my case).

In some ways, it was a sad day because it was almost certainly the last time we’ll see a similar celebration.  The next big event will probably be King Charles III’s coronation, whose enjoyment will be tempered by mourning for the queen’s death.  (I wonder if Charles will change his name when he becomes king?  After all, the prince known previously as David became King Edward VIII and his brother Bertie became King George VI.  At one time, there was a rumour Charles would choose to be King George VII but there’s now another George further down the line.  Perhaps he should choose a contemporary name.  Dwayne should do it – King Dwayne I.)

In real life, the survivors of couples who’ve been together a long time often die shortly after their lifelong partner;  the Duke of Edinburgh only died last year and his widow is already showing signs of ageing for the first time while she’s increasingly letting Charles take over her official duties.  I wonder if she’ll see the year out?  Weekly meetings with the prime minister we’v got at the moment?  Hmmm.

A bigger question has again been widely aired as the celebrations have been analysed:  the future of the monarchy.  Many of us think that the queen has done an amazing job throughout the last 70 years, scarcely missing a step, and she deserves our admiration.  But admiring an individual’s tenacity isn’t the same as supporting the monarchy.

I’ve never really had any strong feelings one way or the other – and I suspect many people share my apathy – but I wonder how things will change when the queen dies and Charles (or Dwayne) becomes king. The monarchy certainly costs the UK a lot of money but it also brings in a lot of new foreign money, especially for the fancy dress parades and other ceremonials.  However, it still has to overcome its legacy of supporting slavery and the genocide and theft involved in building the ‘empire’, and its inability to limit the racism its governments have consistently applied and enforced, even to the present day.

On the other hand, republicanism would require the election of a president and the wholesale reform of the constitution, and parliament.  This could allow positive changes such as proportional representation to be made if the reform was carried out by people with no vested interest in the outcome but look at the crippling system that, despite the best intentions of its creators, disempowers American presidents.  And just imagine us having presidents like Blair, Brown, Cameron, May and Johnson. 

Actually, now that Britain’s reputation has been so reduced internationally, it probably wouldn’t make any difference if a president did suddenly have stupid ideas like deciding to reintroduce outdated and illogical measurement systems that the last few generations were never taught and older generations have forgotten.  Perhaps presidential candidates could be required to take tests to measure their intellectual capacity and mental stability and may the gods forbid the election of a politician as president.  And perhaps candidates should also be required to demonstrate their lifelong lack of any involvement in party politics.  Or the military. 

The biggest problem is that anyone interested in becoming president is, by definition, unsuitable.

Somebody suggested Sir David Attenborough would make a good president but, apart from his age, he gave up running BBC2 because he didn’t like the job and wanted to return to nature.  So what about Dr Charlotte Uhlenbroek?  She shares Attenborough’s interest in nature and is younger and much better looking.

English society’s development, threats to democracy, golden visas and the Queen

24 April 2022

In ancient times, nomadic peoples didn’t own land;  they considered it one of the great god Ug’s gifts to humanity, like the air they breathed.  As the aeons passed, some got fed up with all the packing involved before the next move so they started building permanent shelters and staying put.

Some would even go so far as to keep strangers off their patch so the men could practise using their latest weapons while the women stayed behind and invented fire and the wheel.  Later, people would start fighting each other in earnest and, as the winners started to think they were more important than the losers, they decided this gave them the right to steal things from other people and the ‘ownership’ of land was invented.

Later still, the people who ‘owned’ land would take over land occupied by ‘lesser’ people, chuck the original occupants out and fence it off.  Then they invented monarchs and hierarchies of sycophants to surround them, giving some of them titles like Duke and Count and Marquis and Earl, and some bright spark invented tax so poor people had to start paying tithes to rich people for the right to stay on the land they’d thought was theirs anyway.

Then they invented politics which allowed monarchs to be removed and their sycophants replaced and estates would be ‘transferred’ to the new people.  So the ‘ownership’ changed from time to time but ultimately settled down and their descendants kept the lands that had originally been stolen by the self-styled ‘aristocracy’ (originally the rule of the nobility, or best!)  Despite countless examples that prove personal qualities are rarely inherited, the money that went with these ill-gotten gains did pass to the next generations by male primogeniture, which kept the estates together, and the second sons went into the church (the gels married chaps with similar bloodlines and had affairs with the gardener);  so we still have people with inherited titles who have done nothing to earn them living in land stolen from peasants by their ancestors.

Nevertheless, these people continued to act as if they were entitled to own land and, according to the National Office of Statistics* 99.999998% of the population thought they ‘owned’ 99.999998% of the land and they had the right to ‘transport’ peasants who ventured onto them to Australia where many of the aboriginal people were nomadic and didn’t believe land (or air) so they got their revenge (on the wrong people but who cares) by enclosing land for themselves and importing rabbits and cane toads.

In 1932, 90 years ago today, a large group of walkers demonstrated against this ‘dog in the manger’ approach with a mass trespass on Kinder Scout, Derbyshire’s highest point.  The police made six token arrests but the demonstration ultimately led to the designation of ‘the Peak District’, England’s first national park.

At lunchtime today, another bunch of protestors was due to swim in the Kinder reservoir to publicise ongoing disputes about the right of access to some rivers and inland bodies of water, claiming we should all have the right of access to open water. 

Elsewhere, of course, privatised water companies, whose aim is to make a profit rather than provide a service, spent some 3 million hours releasing raw sewage into English rivers and coastal waters in 2021.  If one slips in the wrong place when close to open water, one can now very easily fall between two stools.

England did recently think briefly about giving us peasants the ‘right to roam’ over open land ‘owned’ privately but the proposal to allow this was squashed by a government elected by people who thought countryside should be private and managed for profit, trespassers should be shot and the air they breathed should be taxed, if only they could work out how to do it, all so the nobs (knobs?) can continue to fish for “trite” in private streams and poison raptors on land where pheasants have been bred for sadists to shoot since it became illegal to shoot peasants.

After a white-tailed sea eagle was recently found poisoned, the unfinished investigation was suddenly closed and the Dorset rural wildlife and heritage crime police team was renamed the Dorset rural crime team.  PC Claire Dinsdale, the team leader, who had received the Queen’s police medal for her work on wildlife crime, suddenly went on leave and it’s believed she will no longer be a leader in that team when she returns.

Dorset police tried to justify the change by saying it was to “reflect the broader work we are undertaking to ensure we provide exceptional local policing to our rural communities” blah blah blah.  Utter bollocks.

Also this weekend, a cross-party committee of the House of Lords is trying to delete some clauses in the elections bill which they believe would reduce the independence of the Electoral Commission and allow political interference in the conduct of elections.  Taken with the government’s unlawful prorogation of parliament last year and ongoing attempts to allow the government to overrule the courts, it’s clear that the concentration of all power in the centre is increasing fast – Russia eat your heart out, England’s trying to get there using its constitutional powers.  Which means there’s something wrong with its constitutional powers …

“This country deserves better from its prime minister,” said Boris Johnson this week as he attempted an apology for Partygate.  Sadly, he omitted the next line which would have said “and I’m going to resign so it can find a better one”.  He said this just before Downing Street was forced to deny that he had not received another fixed penalty notice after the police said they wouldn’t release the names of any more offenders until after the forthcoming elections, which clearly implies that some senior ministers have had one.

Oliver Dowden, chairman of the Conservative Party, said this morning that replacing Boris Johnson now “would not be in the national** interest” and would lead to “instability and uncertainty”.  I was much comforted to hear that what we’re living through at the moment is a period of stability and certainty.

The archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby’s Easter Sunday address included criticism of the cruel scheme to send people applying for sanctuary in the UK to Rwanda. The scheme “must stand the judgment of God – and it cannot” he said, adding “We don’t need to build more barriers and cower in the darkness of the shadows they create.”

Nicely put, guv. 

Sadly, Jacob Rees-Mogg, the minister for Brexit opportunities and a left-footer, thought he knew better and was able to put us right, claiming that the Church of England’s most senior clergyman “misunderstands” the policy.

After tweeting “Christ is risen, Alleluia. He is risen indeed, Alleluia, Alleluia” over the Easter weekend he then supported the Rwanda fiasco by saying it’s “almost an Easter story of redemption,” adding that the UK is “providing an opportunity to Rwanda” so the government’s policy “must be a good thing”, to which the cook and writer Jack Monroe immediately responded “Jesus would have flipped the table and driven you out of the temple.”  I’m with her.

I didn’t know till very recently that the UK offers a “golden visa” to people with at least £2m in investment funds and a UK bank account, which grants them the right of residence in the UK and that, before 2018, few checks were made on where the money had originally come from – no wonder London became known as one of the world’s best centres for money-laundering.

At least 10 of these immigrants are now subject to the new sanctions against Russian oligarchs so, basically, the Home Office allowed people to buy the right to stay here with dirty money while shoving indigent migrants seeking a new life back into the Channel to drown.

Priti Patel might of course be hoping that some good footballers will wash up on Alderney where they can join the Alderney football team which annually plays Jersey and Guernsey for the Muratti Vase.  Alderney last won the vase in 1920 and haven’t won even a match since.  Still, with a population of 1,800 compared with Jersey’s 112,000 and Guernsey’s 68,000, even the locals tend to bet on one of the other two and the Alderney club’s chair says “The whole island lives in hope rather than expectation.”

I also came across a nice story about the Queen yesterday.  She was walking on the Balmoral estate with her protection officer, hooded up and scarfed against the weather, when an American tourist stopped them and asked her if she’d ever met the Queen.  “No,” she replied, “but he has”.

*          Not.  I made this up.

**        For ‘national’, read ‘Conservative Party’.

Bankers, dirty money, Russia’s war on Ukraine, Wordle, shooters and a right-wing dog

27 February 2022

My cynicism last week has been swiftly justified as British bankers are expected to collect the largest bonuses since the 2008 crash.  So much for the ‘we’re all in this together’ approach implicit in the Bank of England’s pleas to employers to keep wage increases to 3%.

Isn’t it curious how many of these greedy bankers ‘burn out’ from unbearable stress?  If they were on top of their jobs, they wouldn’t burn out, so it’s fair to assume they were appointed because they were good at interviews, not because they had any relevant skill or ability.

These divisive bonuses are being paid in a country which has now (post-Brexit) been freer to regulate itself so London is now up there with the best of the other places that turn a blind eye to investments and money-laundering by kleptocrats, drug barons and other criminals.

Coincidentally, a whistleblower has given a global journalistic consortium details of 30,000 accounts linked to Credit Suisse.  Credit Suisse has some 1.5m private banking clients so the leak is far from complete but, while some of the accounts go back to the 1940s, more than two thirds have been opened since 2000.  It isn’t illegal to hold a secret account in Switzerland but the sources of the money invested by some accountholders are questionable.  Not by Swiss bankers though.

I’ve always believed that one of the major reasons why Switzerland chose to remain neutral in the Second World War was that, because the secrecy of their banking systems was world-famous, they were taking money from both sides;  and, as capitalism and greed exploded post-war, even more money came in from the East.

Quite a lot of it still ends up in the UK where the lack of effective controls on banking systems has allowed vast amounts of dirty money to be invested here.  It’s recently been revealed that almost 30,000 properties in England and Wales, including a number of large properties whose owners are thought to be Russian, are registered in the names of companies based in the British Virgin Islands where details of the beneficial owners of companies are not public.  The government has promised to end the secret offshore ownership of UK property but hasn’t achieved much so far.

One of the difficulties faced in attempting this is that the ‘investors’ concerned are billionaires and the British legal system is extraordinarily expensive (compared with, say, France) and nobody apart from ‘Private Eye’ and a few patriotic MPs dare to risk defending a legal action whose costs would bankrupt them.  So some London lawyers make a lot of money from sources that are, at best, dubious.

Karl Marx talked about “from each according to ability, unto each according to need” as one of the founding principles of communism (although the phrase actually goes back to a 19th century French philosopher) but the ruling kleptocrats in today’s Russia have clearly sacrificed communism to Mammon.

Anger caused by the Swiss banking leak has of course been overshadowed by Vladimir Putin’s war on Ukraine.  At the beginning of the week, Violet Elizabeth Johnson was widely derided for his feeble announcement in parliament that, if Putin invaded Russia, he’d thcream an’ thcream an’ thcream till he was thick.  Putin was so terrified by this that he invaded Ukraine three days later.

By the end of the week, Johnson was joining America, Canada and key European countries by excluding “selected Russian banks” from the Swift (the Society for Worldwide Interbank Financial Telecommunication) international payments system. 

Russian missiles have been targeting civilian residential tower blocks, presumably because of their clear and present danger to Russian troops, and Putin has put his nuclear weapons teams on stand-by.

A Japanese billionaire, Hiroshi ‘Mickey’ Mikitani, has promised to give 1bn yen ($8.7m) to the Ukraine government, liquor stores in the USA and Canada have taken vodka off their shelves in a show of solidarity, a Ukrainian construction company is removing road signs so Russians without satnavs can get lost, Russia’s ‘friend’ China abstained rather than backing Russia in a UN resolution condemning the invasion, border guards on Snake Island received a radio message saying “This is Russian warship … Lay down your arms” and replied “Russian warship, go fuck yourself”, Russian soldiers captured by Ukraine have been reported as saying they don’t know what they’re fighting for, Hungary has said it will back all EU sanctions against Russia, Turkey is understood to be considering stopping Russian warships from entering the Black Sea, a growing number of Russian celebrities have backed international efforts to stop the war, Germany (whose relations with Ukraine have been strained since the Second World War) is sending 1,500 anti-tank weapons and other missiles, all EU countries have closed their airspace to Russian aircraft and Britain’s foreign secretary, Liz Truss, is preparing a “hit list” of Russian oligarchs to be hit with sanctions “in the coming months”.  Guess which country hasn’t yet quite grasped the urgency of the situation (though, to be fair, Britain has pledged to continue supplying arms to Ukraine and the Ministry of Defence is working out how to get them there without their being intercepted by the Russians.)

Russia’s central bank has had to support the rouble as it fell to an all-time low against the dollar and, over here, BP has been criticised for its ownership of 22% of Rosneft, the Russian state oil producer and, having been publicly embarrassed, is now selling its stake in Rosneft.  In another encouraging example of nominative determinism, BP’s boss is called Bernard Looney

Talking of loonies, Donald Trump, ever a brown-noser when dealing with autocrats, described Putin’s decisions as “brilliant”, “genius”, “savvy” and “smart”.

Putin himself gave an address on TV that made it seem pretty obvious he’s psychotic and paranoid, not the best characteristics of someone with the power to destroy the world.  To younger generations, this must feel like the Cuban missile crisis did to us wrinklies.

Compared to Putin, Boris Johnson looks like a bear of very little brain and has just had his second formal reprimand in a month by the UK Statistics Authority for misleading parliament.  In typical Johnsonian fashion, he told the House on Wednesday that there were now more people at work in the UK than before the pandemic began.  In fact, he ‘forgot’ to mention that this is only true if you count people on payrolls because the number of self-employed people has fallen so far that, if they’re included, the total has actually fallen by 600,000. 

He’s also now being questioned under caution by the police.  Still, nobody now believes anything Johnson says unless it’s confirmed in triplicate by the Queen.

When the Queen’s positive Covid test was announced, Kier Starmer sent her a message that was read out by a BBC newsreader who pronounced “ma’am” as ‘marm’ although, as any fule kno, this should be pronounced ‘mam’.  High time we got rid of the BBC and its pathetic attempts to avoid bias and replaced it with news channels known to be biased.  RT News or Fox News would fit the bill, or Rupert Murdoch might have some suggestions.

In New Zealand, a young bull was swept away by floodwaters on the west coast, carried downstream and over a waterfall.  It was discovered some 50 miles away, snuffling around in a blackberry bush.

Wordle, the (in)famous word game, has been getting complaints since the New York Times took it over:  ‘humor’ annoyed a lot of Brits, ‘bloke’ annoyed a lot of Americans, ‘sha-e’ annoyed everyone who hadn’t already excluded the six incorrect consonants, and some people apparently didn’t know the word ‘caulk’.

Over here, people who pay to kill things were invited some time ago to stop using lead shot because of the damage done to the environment by the toxic metal.  Unsurprisingly, the request was ignored and 99.5% of the birds they killed last year contained lead pellets.  According to the shooters, they still use lead because steel pellets are lighter and don’t scatter as well and – you’ll find this hard to believe of people who slaughter birds for fun – you actually have to aim the gun rather than just point it up and pull the trigger.

In France, the daily paper Libération saw the confidential list of the 148,000 members of the right wing Les Républicains party and identified four dead people and a Niçoise dog called Douglas who could vote for Valérie Pécresse as their presidential candidate.